Times Have Changed but Moms Are Still Being Bullied

When the first edition of my book The Complete Book of Breastfeeding was published in 1972, doctors, hospital nurses, and grandmothers were discouraging women from breastfeeding, saying things like “You’re not cut out to be a cow,” or “Your breasts are too small to have enough milk,” or – as one woman told her daughter, “Why can’t you be like everybody else and do the natural thing – give the baby a bottle?” And a prominent pediatrician told me that nursing a baby beyond one year was abnormal and could cause major psychological problems in the child (this, despite World Health Organization and UNICEF recommendations to nurse for two years or more and despite no evidence that extended nursing caused problems). The year 1971, when I was researching and writing the book, marked the lowest rate of breastfeeding in the history of this country. Fortunately, health care providers and society at large now recognize that breastfeeding provides the very best start in life, for both physiological and psychological reasons. But now some of the same forces that told women not to breastfeed have mobilized so strongly that they’re now telling her she has to – all day and all night. Women who either cannot breastfeed (a tiny minority), cannot organize their lives to do it (like working women whose jobs don’t offer opportunities to pump or require extensive travel), or just don’t want to (often because they don’t have enough information or enough support) are being pressured in the hospital, in the neighborhood, and in the media. Those who do nurse are told by some authority figures that they have to do it a certain way – every time the baby whimpers, all night long with the baby in bed with mom and dad, all day long as mom walks around carrying her baby in a sling, and for as many years as her child wants to stay at the breast. All these practices are fine – if that’s what the mom wants to do – but not if she’s made to feel that by not following this rulebook she’s a bad mom or an inadequate mom who will doom her child to an unhappy or unhealthy life. TIME Magazine jumped into the mommy rules and the mommy wars in a disgustingly sensational way that did a disservice to both the mother and the child – and to legions of nursing couples -- on its May 21 cover. As everyone in the parenting world now knows, this showed a provocative photo of a mother and a nursing preschooler in a pose that’s about the unlikeliest nursing position I can think of -- and I have seen plenty of mothers nursing older children. They don’t do it standing hands on hips, with both mom and child looking at the camera instead of each other. I can just see the photo shoot with both mom and child getting constant directives to make the most outrageous photo possible. Then the cover line with the photo posed the demeaning question “Are You Mom Enough?” The cover story went on to profile Dr. William Sears, the pediatrician who has written some 40 books, mostly promoting what he calls “attachment parenting,” the philosophy that babies thrive on almost constant nursing, body contact, and parental co-sleeping, and that babies deprived of some of these elements are likely to develop serious problems of maladjustment. The article only briefly alludes to the fact that there’s no evidence for such dire results from more typical loving parenting. Basically, the sentence I wrote in the first edition of my book (and have repeated in all revisions, including the 2010 4th edition), which has in fact been upheld by research, still holds: A child raised in a loving home can grow up to be healthy and psychologically secure no matter how she or he receives nourishment.

“THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL”

What a delight! I was recently privileged to be invited to a pre-release screening of this delightful new movie from Great Britain featuring some of our favorite grandparent-aged actors: Judi Dench, Tom Wilkinson, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, and other luminaries of British film. They played their roles without vanity – with wrinkles and wattles in full view, which didn't take anything away from their good looks. The story is about a group of retired people with limited means, none of whom know each other (except for the one married couple), who respond to a brochure offering an inexpensive residence in “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.” When they get to Jaipur they find out that the brochure had been photo-shopped and the pictures of the hotel do not represent what it is today, but what Sonny, the ditzy and appealing young owner, envisions it to be someday. As he says, “In India everything will turn out okay in the end and if it is not okay, it is not the end.” (This reminded me of my husband’s and my mantra when we went to India and kept encountering one surprise after another, and not always welcome surprises: “T.I.I.” for “This Is India.”) Dev Patel (of “Slumdog Millionaire”), who plays Sonny, heads a strong Indian cast, including actors portraying his gorgeous mother and a young untouchable servant whose story is one of many moving narratives. The life stories of the Brits, which brought them to Jaipur, are absorbing, as are the changes that take place in them and in their relationships with each other and with India. If you want to see people living their lives fully in their 60s and 70s and want to feel good walking out of the theater, you’ll have your chance after this film opens nationwide on May 4.

DELIGHTFUL PICTURE BOOKS ABOUT GRANDPARENTS

I have recently come across four charming picture books about grandmothers and grandfathers, and the only negative thing I have to say is that I no longer have grandchildren in the picture-book stage!

All four of these books are published by a small firm, FlashLight Press, and all are written and illustrated by different and equally talented author/artist teams. The stories are entertaining and even thought-provoking, the pictures are delightful, and I think they will bear the test of your having to read them over and over and over again. I haven’t been able to choose a favorite, so I’ll just describe them briefly so you can see which one fits your grandchild relationship – or which one makes the two of you (and maybe grandpa too) laugh the most.

"Silly Frilly Grandma Tillie" by Laurie A. Jacobs and Anne Jewett describes all the funny characters who show up whenever Grandma Tillie baby-sits – Tillie Vanilly with the bright pink hair who loves to tell jokes and dance the conga, Chef Silly Tillie who cooks giggly chili, and a host of other lovable grannies.

"Grandfather’s Wrinkles" by Kathryn England and Richard McFarland recounts Granddad’s answers to Lucy’s question: “Why doesn’t your skin fit you any more? It’s all crinkly.” Granddad then takes Lucy on a trip around his lined face as he tells her about each joyous event that caused a particular wrinkle – until he comes to the most special wrinkles of all.

"Grandpa for Sale" by Dotti Enderle, Vicki Sansum, and T. Kyle Gentry portrays wealthy Mrs. Larchmont’s efforts to buy Grandpa from the family antique store and granddaughter Lizzie’s dreams of all the fabulous things she could buy for Grandpa’s purchase price. Will she sell him? Of course not, but we don’t learn that until the last page.

"Getting to Know Ruben Plotnick" by Roz Rosenbluth and Maurie J. Manning is a touching story about children’s understanding of dementia. When David invites his friend Ruben home, he’s a little worried about how Ruben will react to David’s grandmother, who sometimes says and does odd things. But he needn’t have worried: Ruben shows what he’s made of, and all three people enjoy his visit.

I hope that FlashLight Press will bring out more books about grandparents – and more with boys as the main characters. It’s ironic – I had to edit so many of the books that I read to my own daughters to turn the main characters into girls, and now I wonder whether the tide has turned the other way so that it’s harder to find male heroes at this age level. In any case, anyone reading any of these books to a child can do a little verbal editing to make the gender fit the grandchild if you want.

Books That Impacted My Life

Recently, in connection with the 120th anniversary of the magnificent Port Washington (NY) Public Library, where I spent so many valuable hours and received so much good help, I was asked to name some of the books that have made a big difference in my life. Since I’m sure that my fellow grandmothers have read some of these – and if not, would like to read them - I’m copying here the choices I sent to the library.

"The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan and "The Second Sex" by Simone de Beauvoir. I read both of these books during the summer of 1963. I was a young mother with three small children and although I loved taking care of them, I knew that I wanted to pursue other avenues in my life, and both of these books inspired me and gave me confidence in myself. In 1997 I nominated Betty Friedan for the Career Achievement Award presented by the American Society of Journalists and Authors, and I was proud to present her with her well-deserved award.

Going back quite a few years before then, I have to say that Louisa May Alcott’s "Little Women" made a huge impression on me. I read that book five times, first when I was about ten years old and most recently in my mid-twenties, when I cried at the same parts of the book that I had always cried at. Like so many other readers I identified with Jo, the strongest of the sisters, the most independent, and – what was significant for me – the writer. I think I have to credit this book with first giving me the idea that I could choose writing as a profession.

More recently my life was influenced by Arlene Blum’s book, "Annapurna: A Woman’s Place," about the first American ascent of Annapurna and the first all-women’s summiting of the mountain. I have never climbed a mountain, but this book inspired me so much that I did end up doing high-altitude trekking in the Himalayas, fell in love with Nepal and her people, ended up going there seven times, helped my guide start a library in his village, did what was probably the single biggest thing I ever did to change someone else’s life – arranged for cleft lip surgery for a village child, and then wrote my own book, "A Balcony in Nepal: Glimpses of a Himalayan Village."

HOW I MET YOUR FATHER

For this Valentine's Day week my colleague Bob Brody has been featuring several posts from parents writing letters to their children about how their mother and father met. My post in which I wrote to my children and my five grandchildren, went online yesterday, Friday, Feb. 10. Just go to http://letterstomykids.org/valentines-day-guest-columnist-sally-wendkos.

Bob is also releasing the results of a survey he took asking parents how many had told their children about the parents' first meeting. You can get the survey findings at http://letterstomykids.org/valentines-day-survey-have-you-told-your-kidsHappy Valentine's Day, everybody!

PROTECTING OUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN

As mothers we try to keep our children safe and free from harm, and then when the next generation comes along we try to provide the same kind of protection to our grandchildren. We even want to shield them from some of life’s emotional blows. But at some point we are often made painfully aware that our love and our best efforts are not always enough. They get hurt physically and they get hurt emotionally. When we – and they – are lucky, they recover and use those difficult times to learn from and to grow.

But as was made clear to me anew by the publication of my daughter Dorri’s powerful and heartbreaking essay, “Defriending My Rapist,” published in The New York Times online on January 13 and in print on January 15, I was not only unable to protect her from a horrifying experience when she was only 13 – I never even knew about it until many years later. Sure that it was her fault that she had been attacked, and also sure that if she told her parents we would go to the school and demand that the boys involved be held responsible for their actions, and that she would then be bullied at school for having “told,” Dorri kept this secret for years.

We knew that Dorri was having a troubled adolescence, and we tried to help – by speaking to her guidance counselor in junior high, arranging for her to see therapists, providing positive family experiences. But until Dorri was 26 and had sought out a therapist herself, she never unburdened herself of the long-repressed secret that was causing so many problems in her life.

By going public with her story 37 years after the attack, both with her essay and her appearance on Dr. Drew’s television show, Dorri wants to tell young people (boys as well as girls) that if something like this should happen to them, they shouldn’t blame themselves, and they should go to an adult who can help them. It’s never the victim’s fault, no matter what she wears and what she does – it is always the attacker’s fault.

Dorri has received hundreds of responses to her essay and TV appearance, many of which came from other victims who also never told anyone -- boys and girls who are now adults. So many say that the incidents and shame nearly destroyed their lives, and many said that Dorri had inspired them to finally talk about these traumas.

I hope that my grandchildren never have to undergo anything like this – but that if they do, that they will be able to ask for – and to get – help.

9TH EDITION OF “BABY AND CHILD CARE” by Benjamin Spock, M.D. JUST PUBLISHED

Like many grandmothers of today, I raised my three daughters with the assistance of my dog-eared copy of “Baby and Child Care.” And then my children raised their children with revised editions of this enormously helpful work, which in its newest incarnation still starts out with those comforting, confidence-building words, “You know more than you think you do.”

Yesterday I was thrilled to be part of the book launch for this new edition of "Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care." The book party was hosted by Mary Morgan, Dr. Spock’s wife for 25 years until his death in 1998 at the age of 94, and was attended by Robert Needlman, M.D., the pediatrician who has carried on Dr. Spock’s legacy by writing the 8th and the 9th editions, and other celebrants who either knew Ben Spock or honored his memory. The event at the venerable Greenwich Village Caffé Vivaldi was an exciting mix of tributes to this outstanding man, songs and music from the beautiful Iranian singer Rana Farhan and her band featuring the poetry of the Persian poet Rumi, good food, and good feelings. I felt honored to be there.

One of the most exciting days of my life was the one back in 1973 when both Dr. Spock and I were interviewed on the TV show Midday New York. After the show, I wrote this great man the following letter:

“Dear Dr. Spock:
“I’m sure that you must be used to reactions such as you got from me last week when I met you at “Midday” – heartfelt gratitude from a mother whose hand you held and whose confidence you raised as I brought up my children. And I’m sure you know how many people admire, respect, and support you for your outspoken and deep involvement in the peace movement. (We didn’t talk about this at all, but I am one of those people.) But I don’t know how often you think of yourself as a sex symbol, so I thought you might enjoy hearing what 16-year-old Nancy said about you.
“As we were sitting at lunch, my friend Sue and I were talking about how excited we were about having actually met you in person after having relied on you in print for so many years, and how wonderful it was to have someone in our lives whom we continued to respect over the years and in such different contexts. Then we talked about your extreme youthfulness at 70 – and here’s where my nubile daughter piped up with: ‘If I were 18, I’d really want to go after him, but since I’m under-age now, I wouldn’t want to get him in trouble.’ All I can say is that I hope she continues to have such good taste!
“All best wishes, Sally”

Then a few weeks later I got another thrill when I received the following letter:

“Dear Sally:
“I rarely get such an appreciative, flattering letter as yours. I’d be a spoiled second childhood child if I did. Your daughter’s remark was particularly exciting.
“Affectionately, Ben”

I went on to interview Ben Spock a couple of times for different writing projects and found him warm and wise and generous with his time. I feel blessed to have these memories.