SAFETY TIP FOR GOING OUT WITH THE GRANDCHILDREN

If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to take your grandchildren places from an early age. There’s a whole world of attractions your own children loved that you want to introduce the grandkids to -- the zoo, the aquarium, museums, shopping, ball games, whatever. Now as a grandmother you won’t let the little one(s) out of your sight. But there are times – especially if you’re taking more than one young child – out to a public place, when even the most vigilant parent or grandparent can lose sight of a child for a few seconds, or minutes, that seem like hours.

As I was taking the Long Island Rail Road into New York City the other day, a mother and her three small children on their way to the Museum of Natural History were sitting near me. I looked up to see the mom writing on the arm, near the wrist, of her little boy. “Now, we’re going to stay very close to each other all day,” she said, “but just in case we get separated, you just go up to a policeman or a mom with kids and you ask them to call this number.” It was her cell phone number. She then pulled his sleeve down over the number so it wouldn’t be visible unless he chose to show it – to that police officer or other mom. I thought this was a terrific idea for using modern technology. I’m wondering what other grannies think.

GRATEFUL TO AND FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN

I have not been back to these pages for six months. It’s been a hard time for me, grieving for David, making the transition to living alone for the first time in my life, and at the same time working against a tight deadline for the forthcoming fourth edition of my first book, THE COMPLETE BOOK OF BREASTFEEDING.

I know I’m not through the hard times yet. As friends have told me, “You get through it – but you never get over it.” But I do feel the need and the readiness to come back and share some of my thoughts about grandparents and grandchildren – and some of my thoughts and experiences about this new chapter in my life, a chapter I didn’t choose to open but now need to make the most of.

I remember the words my friend Norma (who’s been my close friend for more than 60 years and is now a loving grandmother herself) told me some years ago, “There’s no hurt so bad that a grandchild can’t help to heal it.” How right she is! My grandchildren have been such a comfort and such a joy.

Right after David suffered his stroke last October, Anna, 17, and Nina, then 9, came with their mother, my daughter, to stay with me in the hospital for the four days until he died without regaining consciousness. They stayed all day, went in to see their Opa although it was hard for them to see him unable to respond to them, held his hand, talked to him. My eldest grandchild, Stefan, 27, who was in college upstate in Oswego, New York as an exchange student from his university in Germany, flew down immediately and also stayed for days. Meanwhile, Lisa, 13, and Maika, 21, stayed in touch from Germany, conveyed their love for their grandfather and for me, both from a distance and then in person when I went to visit them in February.

My times with the grandchildren – whether it’s been taking a walk and having a talk, going to visit a college, playing a game, cooking together, whatever – have indeed been healing. Part of the healing has come from feeling their love and their compassion. Another part is simply rejoicing in their youth and their vitality and the sense they communicate that life goes on, that life is worth going on with, and that the present and the future hold many joys, despite the inevitable pain that is also a part of existence. I feel very lucky to have these loving young people in my world.

GRANDCHILDREN GO TO COLLEGE

This past weekend Opa and I drove Stefan, our firstborn grandchild, up to Oswego, where he’ll be studying this fall at this branch of The State University of New York. Oswego is a “partner school” of Osnabrueck University in Germany, where Stefan is pursuing a degree in Cognitive Science (an interdisciplinary approach to studying the mind, with an emphasis on the interaction of people with computers). As an exchange student, he can pursue the same basic curriculum and get credits toward graduation.

It’s very different taking this grandchild generation to school than it was when we took our daughters. I remember very well when we drove Nancy, our firstborn, to Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio, and I didn’t anticipate what a wrench it would be. We had two younger daughters at home, I was deeply involved in my writing career as well as my family, and thoughts of an “empty nest” were far from my mind. But then, much to my surprise, after we came home from Ohio, I went to the supermarket here on Long Island, saw someone I barely knew, told her about taking Nancy to college – and burst into tears. An era had ended. While I may not have shed tears in public after taking our younger daughters to college in their turns just a few years later, each one brought the mixed feelings of satisfaction that our major parenting jobs were coming to an end (we thought), along with a feeling of loss that our major parenting jobs were behind us (we thought).

One big difference, of course, is that Stefan and his sisters have not lived with us. They have lived an ocean away, so actually up at school Stefan is geographically closer than he has ever been. Another difference is that Stefan did not go to college directly from high school as all our daughters did. But the biggest difference is – as I have told interviewers who have asked, “How is being a grandmother different from being a mother?” – as a grandmother you don’t worry so much. You’ve been there before, you have confidence that obstacles can be overcome, and that challenges become growth experiences more often than they become problems.

WHAT GRANDMOTHERS ARE FOR

A few days ago I was interviewed by Bobbi Conner, host of the radio show “The Parent’s Journal,” which is carried by about 200 stations around the U.S., as well as the Armed Services Network. (I’ll post here when I find out when it will be aired.) Bobbi asked some really good questions – including a couple that focus on the value of grandparents spending time with grandkids, and some of the positive aspects of this for the child, the grandparent, and the parent.

As I was thinking about this, I remembered a wonderful interview I was once privileged to have with the amazing anthropologist Margaret Mead. I had been asking her about issues relating to child care. She told me, “The worst thing is just having the mother boxed up with the baby 24 hours a day, which nobody ever meant to have happen in the whole history of the human race. Babies are most likely to develop into well-adjusted human beings when they are cared for by many warm, friendly people – as long as most of these loved people remain in the infants’ lives.”

And who fills this bill the best? The grandmother, of course. We’re the next best thing to a parent. As another stable relationship in child’s life, we’re there. We can give parents a break, and they can relax knowing we'll take loving care of their offspring. And in some ways we’re even better than a parent – well, at least, different. Our role is different -- for one thing we don't have the responsibility of socializing the children so we are free of those pressures. Also, at this time in our lives we usually have more time than a busy parent does, more patience, and more of an understanding that so many of the things we worried about never materialize, so we can be more relaxed than the parents can be -- and than we were as parents.

Then too, sometimes a child needs to talk to someone who’s not a parent but who they know is just as concerned with their happiness and well-being as a parent is – here’s where grandparents come in, to offer a different perspective from the one they can get from their parents, friends, or siblings. We’ve been around the block a few times, and we can draw on a wealth of experiences.

Plus, we’re one more person in their lives they can have fun with.

TRAVELING TO THE GRANDCHILDREN

Years ago I wrote a little article about the places I might never have seen if my children weren’t there – and if I were not going to visit them. Let’s see – there was Eugene, Oregon; Ajo, Arizona; Yellow Springs, Ohio; Annandale, New York; and Eagle, Alaska. Now I could say the same thing about going to see my grandchildren. We’ve taken the short (2-hour) drive to Whitehouse Station, New Jersey to see Anna & Nina; and the 8-hour flight and one-hour drive to Nauheim, Germany to see Lisa, Maika, and Stefan. Fortunately, they all come to see us too.

This past week, Mark and I went to Homestead and Redland, both in South Florida, where Stefan was working on organic farms during his semester break from Osnabrueck University in Germany. He made his arrangements through WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms), through which young people from all over the world go to organic farms around the world and work four hours a day for room and board. His first farm, Paradise Farm, proved not to be so paradisiacal for him, so he was fortunate to find a happier spot nearby at Nature’s Acre.

By the time we came down to Florida, Stefan had fulfilled his work commitments, and we were free to go to the Everglades, Key Largo, John Pennekamp State Park, the Fruit and Spice Farm (a Dade County park), and Miami Beach. We packed a lot of togetherness and activity into three days. We jogged together, beached together, had long talks over dinner, and took lots of photos. I loved the years of having grandbabies and grandtots, but now I appreciate the very special joys of being able to enjoy the company of adult grandchildren, and feeling the love still flowing both ways.

On the plane coming home, Sharon, our 20-something seatmate, was traveling from her home in Costa Rica to New York, to spend time and show her love for her 93-year-old grandma. I assured her that her grandmother would be thrilled by her visit. I know some things.